If only he were normal, perhaps John McCain might be an organic farmer.

“Look at these beauts!  I’m moving them next to the farmer’s co-op where it will be sold fair-trade at health food stores.  There’s been some skunks sneeking around cause they think there’s uranium under my fields but no way in hell am I letting them rape my land!  Nukes are for the birds…I run my operation on solar, wind and biodiesel.   Fuck those conservatives!”

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Ah yes, bandit badboy Baron Conrad Black. While the petty thefts get locked behind bars, what will the fate of this money-grubbing, ladder climbing opportunist be? Well, what if he were ‘normal’?

Black: I’ve given everything away and now live life flying high for Gawd. You can call me Sister Black. Babara’s become a Benedictine monk, in case you’re wondering. This beats a leer jet anyday and I can’t resist the aroma of any terrain I fly over when I’m off to help some unfortunate people somewhere.

I said seven Hail Mary’s, Jack Lord forgave me and I feel wonderful knowing I’m serving the people and can air my balls at the same time. This may not be as normal as some would wish but for me it’s a big flap in the right direction. I help stop the cutting down of rainforests so the trees can’t be made into paper. Talk about Pulp Fiction, where did I get off with my media spin-doctored, conservative brute force publishing enterprise before? Guess I took a wrong turn in Albequerque.

Luckily Crystal Methodist helped me get on track and I can now speak the truth…I’m not quite sure what the truth is yet, but hey, I got my wings, who cares!


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Known by some as the ‘Brains Behind Bush’, Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove, has been put as the real leak behind the Plame Affair that has found Scooter Libby guilty of perjury.

If He Were Normal: ‘Hee Haw, I’m so glad I found Texas and all the big things here. This stuff if off the hook man! Me, Dick, George and Scoot are gonna spin some “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou’ down at the bayou and look for some of them thar sirens to come wadin’ out. Yup, no squealin’ like a pig for us boys, least not on this trip.

Hooooo, I’m so mella yella , think I’ll dream me up a plan to get outta Iraq and find Dickey another way to make some greenbacks, like openin’ amusement parks round the world. Heeya ha, ‘The Magic Carpet Ride’ and ‘Bong Goes the Weasel’ outta fetch a pretty penny, think?’


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The drunk, bigotted, weirdo Xstian actor/filmmaker Mel Gibson has decided to become ‘normal’ and live out life as a kangaroo.

“G’day. Just call me ‘Melaroo’ now. I’ve given it all up. It’s obvious I don’t cut it as a human being so I’ve checked my ego in Syndey and will be hopping about the outback for the rest of my days. There’s no such thing as religion or race in the animal kingdom so it seems the only way to go for a mate like me. Crikey, I don’t know which is harder to give up, the turps or the vegemite.

Anyways, now the doc film makers will chasing after me, quite the change, but they’ll have to be fast to catch me, I’ve no interest and they can mind their own bizzo.”


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Charles McVety, President of the Canadian Family Action Coalition, was one of the main christian zealots (xlots?) lobby to ban same sex marriage. Now that the short lived debate is over and the homophobes can go back in the closet for a while, perhaps we should ‘normalize’ Chuck:

“I’m a sensitive New-Age guy. I believe in same sex and same person marriage and that Steve has every right to engage in nuptials with himself. Only yesterday I became engaged to myself, and while I’ve decided not to sleep with me until the wedding night, I can hardly wait.

The universe is so wonderful to behold. Oh, sorry, I just got a pain in my lower chakra. We should rejoice in each other no matter beliefs or….gee, my heart meridian seems blocked. Anyways, I’m sending crytals out to all MP’s to help them make decision…cripes, I think my auroa needs work…and bring them closer….damn, my guardian angels are singing too loud, hang on……bring them closer to their inner childs.

Does anyone have some sage, I really need to realign?”

*Note: The Family Action Coaliton’s website has a link to ‘Bisexaul Order Guides’…it takes you to Rick Mercer’s website and a video on gay marriage (???).


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She’s stuffy, old-fashioned, and the Monarchy costs U.K. tax payers a mint…yet she’s one of the wealthiest women in the world. Sure, sure, she’s a product of her upbringing, but aren’t we all…and didn’t most of us work to overcome that? So what if the Queen took a ‘normal’ role?

“Fuck the thoroughbreds, I’ve got my freedom machine and the hell with Philip. He’s always been pokin’ the gals anyways. Bloody right, I’ve ‘ad it and taking me hog to a country pub. Patooey, ha, there’s a right good gob fer ya. Put a couple ‘o pints in me and I’m gonna smoke some bitch sticks and yack me ‘ead off bout Chuck, Andy and Anne. Coo, (oops, not Koo Stark), my kids drive me up the wall. Think any of them could put their bloody feet in to stop Blair and his colonist warring? Wanker.

Wot’s that…some freakin’ ‘edge’og road kill? Never mind, that pub’s gettin’ closer and I can taste the bitters already. Gonna write some letters to ‘arper an’ ‘oward the coward too. Right bloody bastards they are acting oh so la tee dah an tough an’ all. ‘ow’d they like me boot up their arses?”


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Joseph Alois Ratzinger, ‘The Traditionalist’ is one amongst the fray of religious and political leaders SO NOT HELPING THE WORLD! In religion’s power struggles and alliances there seems more will for the gravy train and globe trotting for ‘The Institution’ , rather then acting as humble men of the cloth intent on seeing their flock remain just that….a flock, not a gargantuan herd of homogenous bible humpers. If The Pope were normal:

“Honey, the face may be kaput but check the gamms! Politics, who wants anything to do with that when I’ve got lots of MONKeying around to do? I’m going to tell you a little secret, at Christmas Mass I’m announcing my white dress will be traded in perma for this chichi Carman Miranda number! Oh I know, we’re coming out, step aside world and gay marriage whoo hoo…all you alter falters look out!

I was telling my Cardinals, you know, those queens in the flaming red (aren’t they adorable?), I’ll have the world leaders kiss my cock ring , the one on my finger is just too tacky, really. My, my, my, can’t wait for Georgie to visit the Vatican!.

OH, and while you’re saying your Hail Mary’s? Make sure it’s to Mary Tyler Moore. Ciao for now, babies!”